Dear Guy Who Keeps Screaming “Get In The Hole!” At Every Golf Tournament,

Here’s what I like about you: you’re helpful. After all, if it wasn’t for you screaming “Get in the hole!” EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME THAT SOMEONE HIT A GOLF BALL, who’s to say whether any of them would ever, in fact, get in the hole?

Why, if it weren’t for you, those golf players might have to rely on their natural abilities, their years of training, their expertly-crafted clubs and balls, their well-paid caddies, their trainers, their sports psychologists or the fact that they play golf every damn day to get the ball in the hole! But instead, they have you, which I think we can all agree is way better.

Now, sometimes after you scream “Get in the hole!” like a drunken, obnoxious jackass, the ball does NOT go into the hole. This might lead a lesser man to conclude, “Hmm, perhaps me screaming my face off does not have any direct correlation with whether or not the ball goes in the hole. Maybe the only thing my screaming is doing is annoying the shit out of the poor people standing around me trying to pay attention to the game, and therefore, I should shut my face so that everyone can enjoy their day. Also, I should maybe get treatment for my alcoholism.” But not you, buddy! Doesn’t matter who’s hitting the ball or when or at what hole or whether it’s a drive off the tee or a 12-foot putt – you’ll be there, screaming at that ball to get in the hole, because you have the Five P’s of Golf Spectatorship going strong: you’re Persistent. You Persevere. And you’re Probably Pretty Plastered.

With love from everyone,

Shut Your Face

Dear Readers of This Here Site,

In case you haven’t heard and in case you’re going to be in Austin this weekend itching for a drink and with nothing better to do, come on down to Opa! on South Lamar this Sunday from 3-5pm. It’s the Letters To Buffoons Re-Launch Party! Music will be provided by Tanya Winch and The Dirty Mercy! Come get a drink and have a good time with us!

And…

CONTEST!

We will be having a contest titled “What’s Up With This Scuplture?” Whoever comes up with the best caption/backstory/quote to go with this sculpture:

Wins a fabulous prize! It’s going to be so much fun that you can hardly stand it!

Hope to see you there,

A.B.S.

1. Invent a social networking site for some ridiculous niche group
2. Name it
3. Change some letters in the name
4. Put together a fake business plan
5. Pitch to venture capitalists

Whoever raises the most VC wins! Good luck!

Dear Email List I Didn’t Sign Up To Be On That Is Now Sending Thrice-Daily Emails,

“We noticed that you didn’t complete your order. Would you like to complete it now?”

No, and the only reason you have any such order is because I had to jump through a dozen hoops to find out how much your product costs, among them adding it to my cart and providing you with my email address. Also, when I entered in that email address, I unchecked the box that said, “Send me a bunch of crap I don’t need!” Which you do not seem to be taking to heart. What would happen to my inbox if I had checked that box? I shudder to think!

“Hello again! Just wanted to let you know that in addition to the fine product that you put in your cart but did not buy (which made us feel a little sad, but that’s OK, if that’s the kind of person you are), we ALSO offer this other fine product! Perhaps you would complete an order for THAT product instead and turn our frowns into happy faces? Visit our website now!”

UNSUBSCRIBE. Unsubscribeunsubscribeunsubscribe. Jeez, where is the button? Oh hell, am I going to have to log into the site and change my email settings manually? GAH! I hate this company!!!

“We’re sorry to see you go! We will miss you! We will think about you at night and keep you in our prayers forever, even as you discard us like a ketchup-covered used paper napkin at a Whataburger. Was it a mistake? Did you make a mistake? Did you not mean to unsubscribe from us? We’ll take you back! Yeah, maybe you can come back, and it’ll be like the good old days! You can finish purchasing that saved order, we can go out for a pizza and just laugh like we used to! We can be good again, I know it! WHY CAN’T YOU BELIEVE IN US?!?!?!?”

I am now going to mount a nationwide boycott campaign against you. I shall make it my personal mission to destroy you. If I had laser eyes, I would drive to your corporate headquarters and stare giant holes into it. CHILLAX ALREADY.

Sincerely yours,

Scratching My Inbox OCD Itch

Dear Readers Wondering Where The Hell I’ve Been For The Past Month,

Hi! I’m back. I hope that you missed me; I missed you terribly and spent my nights crying into a pillow because you weren’t there. (Just kidding – I spent most of my nights falling asleep halfway through The Daily Show. LIKE A BOSS.)

As for my days, they were spent redesigning this website, which now looks new and pretty and has a relevant theme and stuff! I got into Photoshop and added some zazz and then some more zazz and then I wondered, is it too much zazz? And I decided yes, so I removed all of the sequins and glitter and unicorns and scaled WAY back on the zazz, and then after a VH1-Behind-the-Music-esque journey that included the requisite amount of substance abuse,* I saved as a JPG in Photoshop, and SHA-POW, here we are.

I hope you like it because I seriously spent a lot of time on it; I hope it moves you in such a way that you email me your PIN and bank account number and tell me to go nuts. Or you could just read and laugh, whatever, it’s up to you. I’m hoping to bring more visual content to the site, including animated videos, infographics and of course the letters you’ve all come to love so much. Also, there will be a few ads on the site because I gots to pay my mortgage, ya heard?

Also, social media! You can follow the site on Twitter at twitter.com/L2Buffoons. A Facebook page is in the works, and we’ll be jumping on whatever other misspelled social media startup comes along next (“It’s called Cork but with a Q at the beginning and end, and it’s a social networking site for wine drinkers who own dalmatians.”). I’ll try not to pester you for page likes or retweets or votes or “Qorqs Up” or +1s or whatnot because that shit makes me cray-cray, but if you could tell everyone you’ve ever met about how much this site has changed your life and made you a better person (it has, right?), that’d be just peachy with me.

All the love in the world,

A.B.S.

Chief Letterwriting Officer

*If by “substance abuse” you mean “tried out some new kale recipes,” then yes, that’s exactly what I did.

Dear Modern Dentistry,

I said that after the first of the year, I was going to book a dentist appointment. If I could just get through the holidays, I’d get right on that dentist thing afterwards.

Yeah, so now it’s February.

I know I need to make an appointment, but this would be a lot easier to do if you weren’t going to poke my gums until they bleed, you know? Sure, I haven’t taken expert care of my teeth; I brush the recommended amount but only floss intermittently and I haven’t been in a dentist chair for, let’s see…. Well, let’s not even think about that. So that’s on me. But the whole making my mouth hurt and bleed? I feel like that’s on you too!

First of all, you have to take x-rays, always with the x-rays, where I sit in a chair gagging on a giant piece of plastic as it slices into my gums. I am told not to move as you dose me with radiation. Seriously? This is how we’re going to start out?

Then you stick lots and lots of things into my mouth, several of which are made out of pointy metal. This just in: if you apply a sharp metal object to a soft human area, blood is a natural result. And bleeding is in most cases not good! SO WHY ARE YOU STABBING ME IN THE FACE?!?!?

And then there’s the drilling and buffing machines that, when applied to a person’s teeth, sound like they are coming from INSIDE THEIR SKULL. As it turns out, teeth are ATTACHED to the skull, which makes the whole thing rather unpleasant, as you might imagine.

Modern Dentistry, can we not do better than pointy metal and loud drills and me rubbing a string between my teeth? This is the future we’re living in, baby! Get inspired! You ought to be figuring out a way to point a laser at my mouth to make it magically clean and shiny instead of digging around in there like a prospector! How’s about it, Modern Dentistry – care to join us in the now?

Sincerely (From The Future!),

A Total Wuss

Dear Inconvenient Software Updates,

Would I like to shut down my computer in the middle of doing six different things so I can get version 3.4.72.9811.05.67 of your software, which addresses the bug in Internet Explorer 4 where things don’t work very well because Internet Explorer 4 was invented sometime back in 642 B.C.?

Um, nope.

You see, Software Updates, no one likes you. No one enjoys when you rear your ugly little code-head. And no one cares what you have to say. Frankly, I’m surprised there’s not some kind of support group for you considering how lowly-regarded you are.

Look, I like having updated software; don’t get me wrong. I want new features! I want better performance! I want software developers to come up with awesome software and then sit around thinking of ways to make it even awesomer! I’m glad that people have jobs doing that; I’m glad that I have a job doing that! It’s great! But in designing elegant, cutting-edge Internet-y products, everyone seems to have forgotten that the process of updating the product sucks.

I’d like to make a deal with you, Software Updates: how about you just go on your merry way and update whatever the hell you feel like without me having to get involved? How about you figure out a way to run in the background without disrupting anything else I’m doing? And while you’re at it, can you put my laundry away once it’s done drying and show me how to teleport?

Thanks for everything, Software Updates. Now shut it.

Sincerely Yours,

Trying To Do OTHER THINGS

Dear People Who Comment On CNN Articles Online,

What a delightful bunch of trolls you are!

Possessing no opinion other than “everyone who doesn’t agree with me should be killed or removed so that I don’t ever have to talk to them because that is what society is all about,” you say the most mean-spirited things that you can possibly think of and basically fight with other people FOR FUN! And all the while using the grammar and spelling of a six-year-old! If there wasn’t a comments section available, would you be scribbling these thoughts on a napkin in crayon?

And this is one of my favorite sentiments:

“Dude, why is CNN reporting on this crap? FIND SOME REAL NEWS!”

Quick question: If it’s crap, why did you read it? Why did you take time out of your day to comment on how crappy it is? Did you manage to find the time to comment on the story about the crisis in Syria? No? Hmm! Weird!

They’re called HEADLINES. It’s not like you were fooled into reading something about the Kardashians; there’s no link saying “Click Here For Important News Story Involving Very Serious World Events” and then you clicked on it and there was Joan Rivers talking to Kim Kardashian about new hairstyle trends or something. So you don’t get to be mad about this.

Have you ever read the comments section on the BBC website? It goes something like this:

OldChap55 : I think the author made a good point about this; however, I would also ask him to consider whether or not this other thing is a factor in these events.

LimeyBugger27 : I believe it is a factor, but not as much as this other thing, so I’m afraid I’d have to not 100% agree with your point.

OldChap55 : Fair enough, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.

And just for contrast’s sake, here’s CNN (these are ACTUAL comments):

Vittoriokiss : Damn she looks like the troll from the first Harry Potter movie, the one in the bathroom that attacks them. Ariel you are right, they acting like we are a bunch of idiot, Kris the the mother, no one is saying she is not, they are talking about the father.

Scottish Mama : But al-Assad said in his speech a couple of days ago it was not me it is the west making them go against me. Because it is all about me. Self importance of a leader always makes me think, he does not give a damby. And if the united nations is in there, wow look how long it took them to say what the “Occupy Syria” (I call them that because opposition sounds like a gang) was doing, why and after thousands dead.( I also thought about “resistance” I think Ocuppy should change their name to New York Resistance, Middle class resistance, Or Resistance State of Mind) I think that would also explain their position. We are being resistant to anything the government is doing because our government is so far from knowing what to do for the midddle class and poor. Syria’s Resistance needs help, and really do we believe we did not have spies in Syria. I think by now we have many people in every county all over the world. How many more people have to die to make a point, we are starving and government you are living high on the hog. We all have to wise up.

lol : If u want them to go away, dont post on anything about them. Like television ratings-low ratings cancels them out. This is my last post on any thing kardasian.

jrsssq1212 : The US would NEVER assassinate someone. except for someone like JFK and several other figures, the US NEVER ASSASSINATED ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET. we are the GOOD guys. the lord is on our side.

So if we’re keeping score, that’s Coherent Public Discourse: -11, Crazy Rantfest: 1,543,729. Thanks for playing.

All the best,

But Seriously, Ease Off On The Kardashian Stuff – There’s Only So Much We Can Keep Up With

Dear Insanely Rich Political Candidates Attacking Other Insanely Rich Political Candidates For Being Out of Touch With Common People,

Uh yes, we have Pot for you on Line 2? Something about you being black?

Hi.

Stop.

You are so full of bullshit.

You are in fact so full of it that it must be physically painful to walk around. How do you not burst like a flaming glittery supernova from the sheer volume of bullshit that you are carrying on board? It’s a good thing we’re not on the metric system, or if they weighed you, they would find a bajillion square meters of poopitude.

Let me do my impression of what you sound like:

“This guy over here is so rich that he cannot possibly understand the struggle of the American people like I do, even though we are both in the same tax bracket, have roughly the same number of vacation homes, and belong to the same country club. But our glaringly obvious similarities aside, who do you think understands the plight of unemployed people trying to figure out how to get basic necessities like food and a roof over their heads? No, it’s not that really really rich guy, it’s me, the other really really rich guy. And do you know why? Because my great-grandparents, who I never actually even met, were poor that one time when EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD was also poor. So I’ve like, lived the struggle. And stuff.”

Mm-hmm.

Listen, it’s all well and good to call out other people for making a ton of money off of shady-ish business practices, but you’ve done it too, and then they call you on THAT, and then you get mad at them and remind them that they did the same thing and oh my God, the rest of us just wish both of you would go back to your vacation homes and leave us out of it already because we hate you. We hate all of you. You are the embodiment of poo, and if you would just own up to the fact that you’re assholes instead of feigning shock and outrage over stuff that you don’t actually care about and we KNOW you don’t actually care about and IS THERE SERIOUSLY NINE OR TEN MORE MONTHS OF THIS CRAP?!?!?!?

Really. Shut up.

Sincerely,

Pretty Much Everybody Who’s Not A Politician

PS – I am referring in this post to EVERYONE in politics. All of them, all parties, everyone.