Dear People Who Think There’s a War on Christmas,
It’s been so hard to keep silent all this time, but I can’t do it any longer; my conscience won’t allow it. I am the former secretary for an organization called the Federation Against Christmas Time (FACT). My role was to schedule appointments, take meeting notes, and keep plenty of pens on hand. What follows is a transcript from one of FACT’s meetings that shows just how vast the conspiracy is against Christmas.
Harry Reid: Alright everyone, thanks for being here today. Um, Vladimir, can I get you to put a shirt on, buddy?
Vladimir Putin: No.
Harry Reid: Alright, fair enough. So let’s dive right in and start brainstorming some ideas on how to destroy Christmas.
Nancy Pelosi: Before we get started, is Fidel going to be able to make it?
Harry Reid: Nah, we can’t get the hologram thingy to work.
Nancy Pelosi: Ah, OK. Bummer.
Harry Reid: So, who’s got an idea?
Bashar Al-Assad: OK, I’ve got one. I think we should start secretly getting stores to put out their Christmas stuff earlier and earlier every year. Like, all the decorations should go up AT THE SAME TIME that the Halloween decorations are already up.
(group murmurs excitedly)
Nancy Pelosi: Oh I love that. That’s some next-level shit right there, Bashar.
Harry Reid: I like it too. OK, we’ll write that one down in the “Yes” column. Any others to discuss?
Kim Jong-Un: Oh, um, OK, what if we made sure that every commercial aired from October to the end of the year featured jingling bells or Christmas music or big red bows or Christmas lights or Santa Claus or, you know, just SOMETHING having to do with Christmas, so it’s just like this massive onslaught of Christmas advertising pounding you in the face?
Harry Reid: Isn’t that kind of helping to promote Christmas? Maybe even over-promoting it?
Kim Jong-Un: EXACTLY.
Harry Reid: OK, still not sure I 100% understand that one, but it’s easy enough to do, so let’s take it. Moving on. Who else?
Michael Moore: I have the perfect idea.
Nancy Pelosi: You always do, Michael.
Michael Moore: So you know how there’s Christmas but there’s also other stuff around Christmas? Like Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and New Year’s and the winter solstice or whatever? What if we encouraged people to start saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” to like, include the other holidays?
(The room falls into stunned silence. Vladimir Putin slowly rises from his chair and begins a slow clap. The others join in until it becomes a regular clap, then thunderous applause. Everyone else stands up too.)
Vladimir Putin: That is GENIUS, Michael. We take away their ability to even wish each other a Merry Christmas and force them to say Happy Holidays. That’s incredible. I’m about to call up those Nobel people and tell them to give you some kind of medal for being a total badass!
Michael Moore: Oh, well no, we don’t FORCE anyone to say Happy Holidays – they can still say Merry Christmas if they want to, but we just gently suggest that there are other holidays too and that it might be more expedient to say “Happy Holidays” and quickly acknowledge them all instead of saying “Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa” and all that stuff.
Vladimir Putin: Oh really? I was hoping this was going to be more of a locking people up for no good reason kind of a thing –
Harry Reid: I think it’s terrific. Let’s get started on that right away. OK everyone, sounds like we have a lot of work to do. I’ll get Moammar to start working on the plans and we’ll check back in next week. And can somebody check on the hologram thingy?
It’s my fervent hope that releasing this transcript can help to save Christmas from the vast conspiracy against it. With so many forces working to bring Christmas down, it’s a wonder we still are able to put up Christmas trees and make Christmas cookies and contribute to a massive retail economy and trample each other to death trying to get the latest Elmo incarnation at midnight on Thanksgiving and go to our children’s Christmas pageants and get government holidays off for Christmas to spend time with our families and go to our church’s Christmas concert and hear the story of Jesus’s birth and see the manger scene in people’s front yards and in live nativity scenes and generally be able to freely celebrate the holiday however we wish with no fear whatsoever of any sort of reprisals or repercussions to our jobs or health or safety or family AT ALL.
Your humble servant,
Hey Bashar, What Brings You Here?